I've been in a bit of a trance lately.. haha I can't believe after all these years I'm gonna be saying this line again!

I know by now I should be an all-contented, stay-where-you-gon-be, be-what-cha-hafta-be mommy. But I'm human. That never changed.

I like someone. But I never really gave the thought much attention coz I know I never wanna lose what I have. To me it's just some stupid, harmless crush and I always assure Giily of that. But I guess it's about time I face it and not always undermine issues that I feel are too absurd to feast on. Right now I just need something to break the monotony of things {without being polygamous!!!}. I'm misunderstood already, I don't need my imperfections to be emphasized all the more. About liking this guy, I told Gilly about it and he just took his usual deep breaths whenever I tell him stuff similar to this one. Gilly.... for me... is.. to good to be true. I mean he's the ideal life partner if you want someone faithful, loyal and attached. He's a gent and you'd think he's the closest thing to perfect! But that's just it. That's what's wrong with the picture. He's too good for me. I'm not having self-pity moments. I'm just being real. Sure he has flaws too, but bottomline? He's not for me. He's not exactly my ideal life partner. We do get along, but more often than not I see him as the bestest friend a girl could ever have. And the fact that he's too good or he's the ideal husband/ boyfriend to most girls gives me more reasons to stay. I've been hesitating to leave for a long time (especially now that we have a kid), but it hurts when I feel or see him hurting. I know he doesn't deserve that, I know he doesn't deserve me.

We had a little squabble about this. I told him I can't really deal with it knowing it's hurting him. He told me it's better to face it no matter how hurtful it may get, get it over with and move on. He told me to think about it. Told me to find out if I really love him like that. All these so I can find my happiness. I deserve it, I know I do. I'm one of the few who knows what they want and does something about it. But I'm not as selfish as everyone thinks. That's why I'm struggling. I don't need this other guy to like me back, I just need to get this out of my system! Guys go through this too. It just so happens that I'm the guy in the relationship. Well, a good mix of both actually. That's why it's also hard to be where I am. Coz I'm so encurbed by the society and the norms and such! So expect I'll be thrown rocks at.. {way to add humor haha} Standing beside Gilly emphasizes my imperfections. These are just a few of my travails.

I like this other guy becoz he IS my ideal. I know I have a chance with him. But it'll never be. I'm still into him. What can I do?