i have no problems with valentine's day being too ooey-gooey. i guess there's a part of me that learned to give respect to those who survived and those who are still surviving. And i admit that i am surviving. it's not really a pain coz you learn to love the fights. it tends to be boring if there's none. and you can't drown yourselves with too much of those moments coz then you'd doubt that it's too perfect..actually, you don't plan it. you don't plan anything. and that's what makes it more natural, exciting, fun, real. the beauty is that you learn everytime. you grow. and then you'd think and wonder if he's your soulmate.. do you even believe in one?

it's this simple..

watching him snooze on the loveseat, wonderin if he's still alive or is it just his kind, child-like heart pounding on his chest trying to get out..sometimes he seemed taken by something unknown that words can't even spell it out. other times he seems too caught up with something he himself don't even know what. and he wonders why he stares blankly on what is oblivious. and then he asks what does 'oblivious' means.. sometimes i wonder if i'm too much of a psycho for him to handle. he never knew bad tempers, that is, until he met me. i knew i taught him to really feel the rage and send it out flying in the fields. only to discover that what he let out came flying back like a boomerang. and it seemed to him that his good intentions backfired. he felt it unfair for the world to stereotype him as someone who never gets mad at anything. not even with users and abusers.. and i saw that weakness. with a clear vision of what ought to be, i sealed my prayers with anger-management undertones. hoping it'd train him to atleast have a tinge of anger so he could eventually let it out. and realize how sweet it is to wring-out hatred and not apologize for it..for once..

he carried himself to the leather sofa and dozed off once again. and now i wonder what he's dreaming about. if he's thinking of something that he knows will betray me, shatter my belief system. and so he keeps it to himself. like the way he used to do to fool myself with a distant smile, letting "me" think he knows nothing about what i know. only, i listen to him when he breathes. when he talks about essentialities without futile rhetoricals.

i decided to record my voice this morning at around 10am coz i really liked this track from paramita. i was racking on my vocal cords as i watch my fone pass seconds, a minute, and then two. as i pressed play last recorded something eerie came out. it doesn't even resemble a crappy voice and was surely not the sound i made. it wasn't mine. i froze for a nanosecond and pretended ithere's nothing to be scared of. i went out of the room and remained calm, keeping my mind in skeptic state. i listened to the recording and looked up the details coz maybe i made a mistake and selected the wrong one.but the details showed evidence of what really is..and it sure was the last thing i'd expected.. it was more of a hushing kind..shushing.. like someone or something was telling me to shut up.. it sounds as if someone was taking deep breaths and was sighing, hoping i could sense that my singing was in fact bothering 'it'. i couldn't come in the room for an hour..but i need to get somewhere so i just shrugged it off, i took a bath and skiddadled off.. i told myself it was just a technical thing.. and it shouldn't bother me.. or that maybe i've gone a little whack and my mind was playing tricks on me...

oh well, it's no big.. i can't deal with such small things when i'm crashing on the inevitable.

i'm fretting for tomorrow... i just hope we'll be able to get through the panel thing.. medyo stressed kame after that subject! damn business law...hehe PACUCOA accreditors are gonna visit our school..ewan dag-dag sa title ng school.(sigh) oh well, at least mapapractice ang communication skills namen..that's one positive way to look at it.. i really don't wanna sweat it, i can skip the class and ditch mr. ternida, he'll freak i know. baka nga may humagis na bakal na chairs and Lord knows how many sticks of chalk he'll chew on if ever i did diss the class. he's a terror professor to begin with..but he's the only person i know who teaches law and philosophy at the same time.. he's actually a total whackjob, but hey he's good i like him..really. im serious. i've learned so much rom him than any other teachers i know..although he tends to get carried away at times. he's a challenge, though. he's a teacher, a funny man, a father, an assailant...and blahs..