intertwined madness

i look into your eyes and i can't see anything
i'm not the one who's blind
i'm just hoping to find
those wilting fears
coming back in years
of intrusion
confusion
swirling out and about
my tower of doom

in my heart
used to lie gentle tears
raptured face
hand me my beer

two bottles away from being sane
one pinch closer to reality

a long lost altered ego
desire to win this game
all i want is to long for you
but long for you is all i do

so bring in the circus clowns
cross your fingers so i will drown
in pain of tears
and in tears of pain

i will bash no more
i can't care anymore
i'm losing my electric pop
i need to climb back up

with you i have no me
my soul is far off from being happy
i know myself no more
a mirror masks a whore

huh? when i'm suppose to be cuddling with someone i loved for three whole years.

yes. it's our 3rd year anniversary today {november 28th, 2007}, and where am i? at home. yes, not with him! it just sucks that he can't come for me. i don't rant because of his work, it's one of those given things, you know, those things which aren't supposed to be the wicker of a fight. but here i am, hurting. i feel so bad. i mean if you really want something to push through you'll be overly excited about it you wont let any-effing-thing get in the way of whatsoever! *sigh* i guess we're just too different.. someone once said; "if you feel like giving up, think of the reason why you held on so long.." but what if everything just added up so fast you can't force yourself to be sincerely happy anymore? i mean, it's not the first time i was left at the bottom of his list. i'm just getting fed up. enough already. is it so selfish you should be burned in hell? my consistent answer would be- no.

i had my haircut today. it's my alcohol alternative these days. a pick-me-upper at the very least. i'm still planning on getting wasted with zoraya. i need to be in my comfort zone. haven't been for the past 2 years.. i son't understand why i'm not piggin out lately, it just surprises me a lot. i'm so saaaaad.

i've had a bite to eat at tomatokick at lunch. at last! after my job interview gilbert and i drove to maginhawa st., teachers village to finally try the specialty of the thesis-turned-into-business resto. i ordered smoked t- bone chipotle. hehe dylan of the peep show tried the dish too, kaya medyo i got tempted to try it narin hehe. while gilbert ordered the pork w/salsa. parng porkchop xa na may seasoning at napaka- crispy. if i am to rate the food, 5 stars being the highest, i'd give it 4 stars, because it's a real treat to the stomach and i got really full! to think i didn't order an extra cup of rice. parking is 3 stars since may iba pang establishments sa commercial building na un, the comfort room is 2, since it's shared, the service is 3 stars, why? for the waiting time since the food is cooked as ordered, though the people are nice. total of 3.5 stars.. *sigh

all in all it was actually a nice experience, not too shabby but the food itself was excellent! it made my day, only there is something that's haunting me til now.. but let me warn you, there are graphical's posted below so it's up to you if you still want to continue [if you have the guts for it]. i hope there could be something done to stop this practice in history. it's just too inhumane. check this out..

in china, there are women opting to abort their baby girls hoping to conceive a baby boy. they sell the aborted babies for 2,000 Reminbi. i've read that the hospital may have been involved in this despicable stomach- churning practice.








i wonder- how cruel can these mad sadists get? i have a five- month old baby girl, i know the cultural difference has a lot to do with it, but come on, what kind of mother does this? in the chinese culture, it is known that the first- born son is essential to the family especially to the father but why kill innocent baby girls? first, they kill the helpless being and then they cook it, serve it to crazier people and make money out of it! pinatay na nga, kinain pa! it's a disgrace.. they say eating the delicacy will act as an aphrodisiac and promote longetivity, but does it have to come to this extent? there are other alternatives people! balut is one but since it's an acquired taste there are lots of choices that will suit your pallate. you can conduct your own research, that's what google is for!

sometimes when you're nearing depression, all you need is a long bath and a coffee face scrub..

it's very therapeutic. i almost forgot how it feels to spoil yourself with generous amounts of lather!hehe during my freshman year i have a dresser full of vanity paraphernalias, complete from head to foot. i had a footscrub, foot spray (peppermint scent), foot lotion, body lotion, hand lotion, deo, body scrub, whitening body scrub, strawberry-scented body scrub, depilatory cream, shaving cream, whitening cream (face), facial wash, facial scrub, acne mask, seaweed mask, (whew!) and so on... the list just goes on and on.. in short, i have the basics plus the extras! hehe it was lunatic. i had to stop because in the long run it got tiring and too routinary (and really expensive!) for me. but all in all it was a real treat.

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cindy texted me but i just read the message after 5 hours. i'm a bit worried coz she was looking for a place to stay for a couple of days. she said she's only going to bring reeve, her eldest son, along. what about Sean? i thought. til now she's not replying...hmm

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i've been fickle lately, and my temper is growing short as ever. i don't understand why. but i will, soon. i have too. it's not like me to misinterpret my emotions, i've always been sure. i'm really racking my brains out now that i can't point my finger on it. i almost have the job i want, i should be happy. normally i am. i just don't get why i'm so angry. i feel bad about it. i am sorry for those who got affected. i'm human. please excuse me. *sigh*

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i need to wash off negative vibes. it's rubbing off on the people i get close to! it's contageous! i wish i can rinse it off with soap and water. if only it were that easy..

*acknowledge the new skin first..hehe*


It is only when in throwing mud at people that i find myself in a writing mode. I do not wish to retract whatever it is published here for those words don't belong to me anymore. They are now literal possessions of the cyber-livion space.

I should be making money out of what i do best and what i spend most of my time on, i always say.. so from this blog entry on, i renounce my personal ranting privilege to better, more productive blog entries (and hope for, let's say, a job in blog writing!)

okay, scratch that. i honestly can't live a day without ranting..

This morning, i was ransacking the newspaper searching for jessica zafra's column emotional weather report then i realized- it's a saturday. so, i just burrowed with what's left of the inky pages. "Be careful with words", according to Francis Kong. An article which caught my senses off- guard. here's a bite..

A businesswoman took her newborn to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "you have a cute baby."

Smiling, she said, "I'll bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."

"So what do you say to the others?" she asked. The doctor said, "When i can't say you have a cute baby, i just say.. He looks just like you."


hehehe

*

I've had my fair share of slanders, and to tell you- it's no circus parade but it can be scandalous! It is a universal fact that one cannot control other people's minds, more so their mouthes! but though we have no joysticks for rocketing words of others, we have complete controls of our own. it's difficult when emotions creep in. we tend to cause social damage only with the use of tongues.

always, we have to be careful of words. being tactful of what we let out of our mouth is a virtue and that a major part of self-control is tongue-control. we must all remember that words are powerful. after all, "word" is just one letter away from "sword."

bwisit talaga. ang ganda ng gabi ko.. i have a major company exam tomorrow, 8am the earliest and an interview via telecon at 1:30pm, and i'm getting this? i'm so fed up man. here i am being scrutinized from day 1 and i get nothing from him whatsoever! i shouldn't be blamed for everything that goes wrong.. alam namang napaka- immature nung tao pero i doubt na maintindihan side ko.. para na kong inanimate object at basura. saying sorry after the grandiose damage doesn't really heal anything.. nasa kamay lang ng argabyado ang pagbabagong maganda, siya ung nagtutuldok sa masamang nakaraan. ung argabyado lang talaga ang gumagawa ng paraan magpatawad at makalimot sa sakit. especially if no change is gonna take place at all. why bother apologizing when you can't even stand for it? i hate it when he only see the minuscule part of the situation or issue. ako ung nagmumukang tanga! ako na nga masama loob ako pa masama ako pa mali ako pa ang lalabas na nag-iinarte! tangina! tao ako and i don't deserve this.. my life is put on hold and i've learned to accept that. di na nga ako makakilos coz i'm the one adjusting to the majority, nagkukusa na nga ako at hindi nagdadamot tapos ganun pa rin.. nakakabadtrip pa dahil makitid ang utak ng iba at kulang sa comprehension kaya ano, ako pa talaga. shit. tapos wala na ngang comfort magagalit pa sakin, ang kulit, ilang beses ko na ngang sinabi na hindi nagmamatter sakin kung sino tama. what matters is magawa or mangyari ung dapat or whatever's best for everyone. i'm so alone. pagtutulungan pa ko.. tapos ako pa lalabas na mali.. wow, people should look up the meaning of "reasonable".. so, my advice to those who's not shackled by the strings of stupidity, think again before you speak or better yet don't give chances to the undeserving! remember that you are in charge of your happiness, so use that power. don't mind those self- righteous fcuks when they say it's a selfish act, they're just envious that you can take control of your life and they can't. i used to say this to myself, it used to work for me, but then again my spirit died a long time ago. when i gave one chance too many..

KentuckyFriedCruelty.com

i generated this sign from the site. it's just *effing shocking how KFC could ignore such a thing. instantly i lost all delight in patronizing their products. i especially loved their gravy, but with a sadistic preparation like this, i don't think i'll be able to look at those finger-lickin'-good treats the same way again. killing & eating chicken (cows and pigs, etc) alone has no right way. we, as human beings just acquired these practices from our ancestors for survival so somehow we grew up thinking it is acceptable. i can't believe actual human beings perform such sadistic acts. it's mortifying.

check out the video.

Labels: animal abuse, animal sadists, KFC

haay.. i am just plain tired of everything. yet it's too unfair for someone innocent to suffer the after-shock of frustrating imperfections.

penguin and i...we're on the rocks. it's difficult for me to admit that really but since i stand for realness and not for facades i say things as they are. heaven & hell, we are. all the protruding issues are just getting out of hand and the worst crap is i end up as the meanie or the bad guy. i hate it. so hopeless as i am i submit to that human weakness, i've been adamant about being judgmental. it's a sickness, a human tendency and it's infectious. but somehow some people fail to see its real meaning. they tend to do it consciously or unconsciously, sometimes out of taking sides or out of insecurities. no matter who or what you are, there's always gonna be that someone who feels less than you are and is irritated by you even if you do nothing to that person {because sometimes you don't even know that such person exists}. just remember to shrug it off, let it roll off your back. it isn't something to be weary about.

as of relationships. let's give a toast to those who are married for conjugal years and are sticking to each other no matter what. let's commend them for such hardwork. compensation has no monetary value but the fruit of their labor shows they deserve the utmost respect.

it's hard to presume things about other people. if you think about it, the same goes with presuming things about yourself. we don't know ourselves a hundred percent, so what's the deal with the ever annoying quest to critique people's personal lives and their personal relationships? it's funny, Isaac Asimov, a writer and chemist said ; "those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance of those of us who do" i totally agree with him w/o batting an eyelash! i'm not saying i know everything about anything, but come on, kung ingay ang produkto ng mga mapagmarunong nuissance sila sa buhay ng mga taong pinagmamarunungan nila. sana lang wag magmaganda dahil wala pa sa kalingkingan ng life experiences ko ang mga nangyari sa buhay mo at sa maliit mong mundo. oh well, walang taong perpekto.

ang pagbabago ay mahirap pero posible. personally, marami na kong nabago sa aking sarili at tunay kong mapagmamalaki ang mga 'yon. kaya nagtataka talaga ako kapag ang pangakong magbago or mag-improve for the better ay napaka-imposible para sa iba ngunit ang magbago in a negative way ay nagagawa in a snap. again, walang taong perpekto.

anyway, i know things will be better and okay between us, not just because it has to but because, as it always has - it will.. :)

naalala ko ang sinabi dati ng pari isang beses nung umatend ako ng misa - "sa dalawang indibidwal, kapag pinakialamanan mo na ang ugali magaaway at magaaway kayo.." at ngayon it has become handy to me. a tip in my pocket kumbaga. it doesn't suggest that you never change for your partner, it only tells you to be mindful of your controls. once you enter into a relationship, you enter into an intangible contract and you must know by heart your obligations and rights. understood na un. implied na that you have to adjust to your boyfriend or girlfriend, anyone who has experienced rocketting relationships can attest to this but only those who are mature enough can truly understand and live it. it's a reality. it's a challenge. it sucks. (but it works!)

hanggang ngayon, nabibilang parin sa paniniwala ko na ang langit mo ay siya ring impyerno mo.. kung sino ang nagpapaligaya syo siya rin ang nagdudulot ng depresyon sayo, at kung sino ang bumubuo syo, ay siya ring sumisira syo..

kaya habang petty palang ang pinag- jijinartihan nyo eh ienjoy nio na. dahil kapag kayong dalawa ang itinadhana, hala ka, maghanda ka na. you're in for a ride.. hehe

usually i get all spooked up with the occasion, but this time i just miss my dad..

i'm not in my finest moods lately. i guess i'm growing tired of the set up. no, not the set up itself, maybe just with penguin.. he never failed to point out to my face the things i need to change about myself but whether he admits it or not he too needs to change a big part of himself. it's been unfair but i've learned to accept some things no matter how unorthodox they may be. i just wish [with all that's left of myself & my being] that he can finally stand committed to his words. back in college, i used to just go with the flow even if it's necessary that i demand something from him. things happened and some of it did us no good. it could've done us some 101's but i noticed he wasn't the type to acquire something good from something negative. i knew then i had to teach him how to extract the good juice from the bad fruit {i.e learn from the experience}. nobody's perfect so i was patient with him. but now over 2 years had passed us but sometimes i still have to convince myself that it'll soon be better. it's not a "gf-trying-to-change-the-bf" thing. i just saw the his need to grow more, and with our current situation, grow soon whether he likes it or not. tama talaga mga naririnig ko matagal na, babae ang nagdadala ng relasyon. sometimes he can't seem to get that. it's a fact. i didn't make it up just so i can be the dominant one. being right doesn't really matter to me. getting along does. i don't want to come to a point where we only try to jibe just for the sake of our daughter. i want US to work, ika nga.. yun tipong we'll get married someday because we want to not just so we can live together legit. i hope he opens up to me more. i need something to work on. you can't make something last out of thin air, you can't draw something w/o a concept, basta, so the song goes nga dba...

But I dont know how to leave you,
And Ill never let you fall;
And I dont know how you do it,
Making love out of nothing at all
(making love)
Out of nothing at all,
(making love)

haha d nman exactly ganyan hehe [pinatawa ako ng air supply]. yung logic lang.

hmmm nalulungkot lang talaga ko. i used be full of spirit ngayon kahit espiritu ng softdrinks wala.. sawa narin ako sa mga i used to's na yan... i need to live. it feels like being held captive of a buccaneer pirate. argh!